The worse pain you will ever feel is when your mother dies….Here is my story
Worst pain you will ever feel
Backstory
I am an only child, my parents split up when I was 10 years old. But after a few years they were amicable. Both of my parents were heavy smokers and had been for many years. In 2018 our lives changed forever. My mom had a cough and I asked her to go to the doctor, she didn’t want to go. The cough got worse, she finally agreed to go to urgent care. When she got back she called me and said that they did a chest CT and that they saw something and that she had to follow up with a pulmonologist. I asked what they saw she said a “spot on my lung”. I went to her house the next day and read the discharge summary. It wasn’t a “little spot” like she thought it was. It was a 6cm mass. I knew this wasn’t going to be good. Worst pain you will ever feel.
Pulmonologist
I took her to a pulmonologist about a week later. he asked her if she has lost any weight in the past few months, and she said yes about 15-20 lbs. Which I had noticed she lost weight but if saw her mother (who had 9 kids and weight about 100lbs) you wouldn’t have thought anything about it. He asked if she was a smoker and she said yes. He told us most likely it was lung cancer. Since she was a heavy smoker for many years, lost weight and had a mass in her lung. She went for a biopsy which confirmed it was cancer. She was then sent to an oncologist.
Oncologist
The oncologist sent her for a PET scan to determine if the cancer had spread. When the results came back she had stage 3 Lung Cancer. Unfortunately, Lung cancer spreads very rapidly and the 5 year survival rate is very low. I was in a state of shock and so was my mom. Shortly after she started chemo and radiation. But she did not tolerate it very well. She had episodes where her blood pressure would be very low and she would have to go to hospital.
Downhill
She started eating a lot less and being able to move a lot less. I brought my kids by often and explained that she was sick. When I first started to bring her to the oncologist I used to park the car and we would walk in. Then a few weeks later I would pull the car in the front and she would wait for me to park the car. Then she got so weak that I would pull the car in the front and I would get a wheelchair and she would get into the wheelchair and I would bring her in. Her last few times there the people had to get the wheelchair and we had to physically pick her up from the car and put her in the wheelchair. This is the worst pain you will ever feel.
Not Tolerable
Her body just didn’t tolerate the chemo and radiation. She had a PET scan a few weeks later and it had showed that it had spread more; now it was stage 4. She wouldn’t eat and only drank minimally. We did ensure drinks but she fought me. She eventually stopped coming down the stairs and lived in her bedroom most days. She was able to use the bathroom (right next to her room) in the beginning but then she couldn’t do that. I had gotten her a commode which she started using. She was able to get up from the bed and take a few steps to the commode. Then it got to the point where she couldn’t get out of bed.
Hospice
The oncologist told us that she wasn’t getting any better and probably wouldn’t. The cancer had spread to her kidney, her other lung and lymph nodes. Her body wasn’t tolerating the chemo and radiation and that in her medical opinion, she should go on hospice. On hospice, she would not have to leave the house and nurses would come in and check on her. But that it was just to make her comfortable. The doctor said she couldn’t tell me how much longer she had but she didn’t think it was too much longer. Having to put my mom on hospice was the worst you could ever feel.
Preparing for the worse
I tried to prepare my kids the best I could. I explained that she was sick and that she had cancer and that she was going to heaven soon. They had a hard with it, as did I. She just deteriorated more and more each day. Refusing to eat and drink. One day I called the hospice nurse to come. After a quick assessment he stated that she had maybe a week left. So I called all my family and my aunt came up from NC to visit with her. We did our best to make her last days ok.Worst pain you will ever feel.
Hospice Started
On July 21, 2019 (about 2 weeks after hospice started) I get a phone call from a hospice nurse that she was in the area and was going to stop by. I said ok no problem. About 5 minutes later my aunt called and said my mom was having trouble breathing. I said to put the oxygen tank on her and that I was on my way and that the hospice nurse was on her way to. It took me about 15 mins to get there. When I go there my mom was disoriented and trying to jump out the bed, she was making no sense. The hospice nurse had given her medication to help her calm down.
Ending would be close
The nurse pulled me aside and said this was the end she probably wouldn’t last through the rest of the day. She said she is holding on for some reason. She said this happens sometimes. The nurse asked me if she was “waiting for something or someone”. I said maybe my dad. She said sometimes they hold on for someone and once they see that person they are able to go.
Saying Goodbyes
My mom just kept saying “I don’t want to go in the box” which meant she did not want to be buried. She wanted to be cremated. The nurse eventually left and said that when the times comes to call hospice back but that she thought it would happen tonight. I thanked her and she left. We stayed by her bedside. My mom eventually calmed down and layed back down in bed. My dad arrived a few minutes later and he came in and gave her a kiss on her forehead and said his goodbyes.This was the worst pain you will ever feel.
The End
Her breathing started to get faster and her eyes were closed. I jumped into her bed and just layed with her and was talking to her. After a few minutes she started making gurgling sounds and her breathing started to slow down. I called hospice and they said this was the end. That it should only be a few minutes. I continued to lay by her side and hold her hand until she took her last breath. My head on her chest and then i felt her heart stop beating. I tried to get a pulse and there was none. She had passed away.
Worst day of my life
This was by far the worst day of my life. All I kept thinking was my mother is dead and I have no mother now. We all said our goodbyes and I called hospice and said she had passed away. They came within the hour and took her. I stood there standing in the room that was now empty. I can’t even put into words how I was feeling. Being an only child dealing with this was very difficult.
July will be 3 years since she passed away and there isnt an hour that goes by that I dont think about her. I miss her and love her so much.
Worst pain you will ever feel
Signs and symptoms of lung cancer
Have you lost a loved one? How did you deal/cope with it ? Did you feel alone and lost ??
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