Does an Age Difference Impact Relationships? Is Age “Just a Number ?”

Does an Age Difference Impact Relationships

Romantic relationships come in all different shapes and sizes. When it comes to age differences, studies show that most couples are born within 3 years of each other. This is mainly because we meet our spouses in school or when we are beginning to work where everyone is around the same age. But other relationships have a bigger age gap such as 10 to 15 years.

Age differences in relationships can be difficult to navigate through; some consider bigger age differences as a cause for concern while others find it no problem. But there is a stigma in society regarding big age gaps in relationships. Men who date younger women are often considered “playboys or predatory” (and the women they are dating/married are known as “trophy wives” or “gold diggers”), while women who date younger men are known as “cougars”.

The age differences of couples may differ based on the age of the people involved. In an adult relationship a 3 year age gap is fairly normal. However, there is a big difference between a 13 year old dating a 16 year old. Acceptable age ranges from person to person, place to place and situation to situation. Someone who is 28 and tries to pursue a relationship with an 18 year old might get some pushback. But someone who is 35 and enters into a relationship with a 25 year old might not receive as much pushback.

My Husband and I have a Big Age Difference

How we met:

I met my husband, Mike in 2009 when I was 28 and he was 51. We started working for the same company. When we first met, I was engaged to someone else who was only 1 year older than me. That relationship had a lot of problems. I had been unhappy for a long period of time and was looking for a way out. Mike was dating someone at the time but it was not serious. He had been married and divorced years before. He never had any children. When I first met him I had no idea how old he was. We started talking and I thought he was about 40 or so. When he told me he was 51, I nearly fell on the floor. My immediate thought was he was too old for me.

It started out as just a friendship. We were both with other people but we started to have feelings for each other. We were talking everyday at work. He would make an excuse to come over to my department just so he could talk to me. I would purposely go down his aisle (we worked for a supermarket company) if I knew he was there. This went on for a while. I remember one of the maintenance workers came up to me and said I have to tell you something. He said that Mike had told him the other day that he was going to marry you. I said that I was engaged to someone else so that isn’t going to happen.

We started dating:

In December of 2009, he gave me his number and said to call him. I eventually called him and we talked a few times before he asked me out. We eventually went out to dinner and bonded instantly. We started hanging out a few times a week and talking on the phone alot. In January 2010, I ended my engagement. My ex-fiancée moved out shortly after.

In March 2010, he told me he wanted to marry me. I knew I would have to bring up a topic that might be a deal breaker in our relationship……having children. We discussed having kids, I made it clear that I wanted kids and if he didn’t, then our relationship should not continue. He said that it just never happened in his other relationships but that he would be open to having children with me.

We kept our relationship a secret from everyone at work. I remember telling my mom about it. I told her that I met someone but he was a little bit older than me; 23 years. She thought he was too old for me and our differences in our life stages would become an issue over time. Some of my friends thought he was too old and I should look for someone my own age. I thought my dad would have a problem with it. My dad also worked for the same company that we did, so he knew Mike. But my dad had no problem with it.

We got married:

In 2011 we got married, when I was 30 and he was 53. Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon I found out I was pregnant. We welcomed our son in 2012 and then our daughter in 2014. We have been married now for almost 11 years and have 2 kids age 10 and 7. I am 41 and he is 64. When I look at him I don’t see the age difference. But other times he will say something and then I realize that we do have an age gap. We were talking about taking a trip to California at some point, since I have never been there before. He said he was there with his friend in the early 80’s. He was in his 20’s back then and I was a toddler🙄.

How has the age gap affected our relationship?

Most days I forget there is even an age difference between us. He doesn’t look that much older than me. Sometimes he is more tired and needs to rest more than I do. He always says “wait until your my age”. Most of my friends are around my age in their 30’s or 40’s and their spouses are around the same age in their 30’s or 40’s also.

Sometimes I do think about the future and what it holds for us. Chances are I will be around longer than he will. Will he be around when our kids start driving or when our daughter gets married ? These questions linger in my mind. Before my mom died one of the things she said to me was that she was concerned because he was so much older than me, that eventually I would end up alone. She said that when they die (meaning my parents) and the fact that I am an only child, she would feel bad if I ended up alone. If something were to happen to him I would be alone to care for the kids. That is the chance I am willing to take. You never know in life what will happen.

Issues with Bigger Age Differences

Emotional Maturity: Difference levels of maturity can be observed regardless of the amount of the age gap. When there is a significant age difference such as 10-15 years; life experiences are very different. In some relationships the older partner can adopt behavior as a parental figure vs a partner and try to enact or enforce rules or regulations on the relationship.

Priorities: Priorities can be different with an age gap. The bigger the gap the more likely the relationship will struggle with life changes such as:

• Health
• energy levels
• plans to start a family
• perception of friends, family and strangers
• life goals
• different phases of sexuality
• family acceptance

End of Life Issues: People in relationships with a big age gap such as 15-20 years may experience more concerns. The younger partner may fear being alone when the older partner passes away. Communication is very important to discuss how each other is feeling.

What’s a Good Age Difference ? Research shows that 1-3 years is ideal. Another study says that an ideal age gap is less than 10 years.

Does Age Actually Matter? The success of a relationship depends on the similarity of values, beliefs, life goals, trust and intimacy. In good relationships couples will support each other in personal goals. These factors have little to do with age. An age gap may bring some challenges to the couple but if they work on their relationship; age should not be an issue.

Real People with Age Differences

Samantha and Matt:

Samantha and Matt have been married for 14 years. He is 5 years older than her. There age difference has never been an issue in their relationship. She says that when she hears a song from her childhood she always make sure to remind him that she was in Elementary School while he was in High School or she was in Middle School and he was in College🤣🤣.

Kate and Jake:

Kate and Jake have been married for 16 years. They met when she was 24 and he was 33. He is 9.5 years older than she is. Kate said that he was more stable than most guys her own age. He had his own business, house, goals and was ready to get married and start a family. Whereas her previous boyfriends, who were around her age, were floundering around taking a job here or there or going back to school. Since he was financially stable that enabled her to go back to back to college and earn her degree. There were differences in their high school experiences, teachers and policies; his being more lax.

When it comes to health issues, she thought he would have more issues due to his age but she actually had a breast cancer scare last year and he had a cardiac scare earlier this year. Currently she is not working and with him being older she has struggled with some mental health issues and/or feeling more like a dependent partner. But that could be more to the fact that she is not working than to his advanced age. She said sometimes when they watch a movie or tv show, she will say “yeah I didn’t see that movie because I was 5″🤣 . Kate said “that it doesn’t affect us much because I’m an older soul”. They are happily married and share one daughter.

Celebrities with Age-Gaps:

Katherine McPhee and David Foster. She is 37 and he is 72. He is 35 years older than her. He has older children from previous relationships and they share a son together.

George Clooney and Amal Clooney. He is 57 and she is 44. He is 17 years older than her. They share 2 children together.

Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Baldwin. He is 63 and she is 38. He is 26 years older than her. They have been together over 10 years and they share 6 kids together.

Tony Randall and Heather Harlan. He was 84 and she was 34. He was 50 years older than her. They were married for over 9 years before he passed away in 2004. They share 2 children together. Their age difference was never an issue for this couple.

Amber Tamblyn and David Cross. He is 54 and she is 35. He is 19 years older than her. They have been married for over 10 years and share 1 child together.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. He is 74 and she is 49. He is 25 years older then her. They have been married for over 25 years and share 2 children together.

Dick Van Dyke and Arlene Silver. He is 92 and she is 46. He is 46 years older than her. They have been together for over 16 years.

What are your thoughts are age-gaps in relationships? Are you dating someone older or younger than you ? Would you date someone who was significantly older or younger than you ? Please comment and share your story.

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