Can You Forgive a Spouse for Cheating
Can You Forgive a Spouse for Cheating
Cheating can shake a relationship but there are ways to forgive your partner if infidelity occurs. A cheater has to be remorseful about their actions if they want a chance to repair the relationship. After a cheater owns up to their actions, the couple can start to rebuild trust and work on issues in the relationship.
Often times people assume cheating means the relationship has to end, but that is not always the case. Some couples may try and work past it. Counseling is a great opportunity to try and work out some of the issues in the relationship. The reasons that infidelity occured can be the key to repairing lost trust and forgiveness.
What counts as cheating?
When it comes to cheating there is no black and white answer. It comes down to the people in the relationship to define it for themselves. What is off limits?
Relationship therapist Jeanae M. Hopgood, LMFT, M.Ed., PMH-C, explains it as such: “Cheating is pretty subjective and can be anything from flirting with someone who isn’t your partner, to full-out sexual acts with another person. Cheating is really anything that violates the boundaries of your romantic relationship and results in a breach of trust between its members.”
Physical cheating
Physical cheating is what most people think of “as cheating”. The act of being intimate with someone who is not your partner. Physical cheating is all about using your body to cross a line. Examples are:
- kissing someone
- having sex with someone
- dancing sexually with someone
- touching someone inappropriately
Emotional cheating
Emotional cheating is where things can be blurry. When you emotionally cheat on your partner, you share intimate details and everyday closeness with someone outside of your relationship. An emotional cheater is someone who channels their emotional energy, time, and attention to someone outside of the relationship. Types are:
- Closing off from your partner emotionally and finding solace in someone else
- Texting an ex (without your spouse knowing)
- Deleting text messages and phone calls
- Having deep phone calls with someone else about everything you think and feel—without your partner’s knowledge and permission
- Keeping your relationship with a certain person secret from your partner because you’re worried what your partner will think
Digital cheating
Digital or online cheating has grown in the past 10 years due to the increase in dating apps and social media (facebook, Instagram, tik tok and twitter). Online cheating doesn’t have to lead to meeting up with the person to count as cheating; it’s still infidelity if it involves secret romantically or erotically charged interactions with people outside the relationship. Examples are:
- Having a dating app profile while pretending to be single
- Sending and soliciting nudes
- Sending flirty messages to someone you follow on instagram or facebook
- Oversharing personal and emotionally information to someone other than your spouse
Micro-cheating
Micro- cheating refers to behaviors that would upset your spouse but might not actually be “considered cheating”. Examples are:
- Hitting up your ex “just to catch up” but seeking emotional intimacy
- Repeatedly fantasizing about someone who isn’t your partner in a way that takes you away from being present
- Trying to cultivate or create intimate energy and vibes with people who aren’t your partner
What counts as cheating?
The thing about cheating is that there’s no simple list of behaviors that can be flagged as definitely “cheating” or “not cheating.” Ultimately it comes down to the people in the relationship to define for themselves (in collaboration with each other!) what acts are off limits within the bounds of their bond.
For me if you kiss and/or have sex with someone other than your spouse that is cheating. If you spend your days texting your ex for hours at a time and delete all the messages; that is cheating. Calling your ex girlfriend “sexy” via texting is cheating.
2 main reasons people cheat
- The person is just shallow and selfish and needs to be gratified constantly
- The relationship is failing due to provide intimacy and desire
Creating boundaries in your relationship
Not every single behavior listed above will count as cheating in every single relationship. Everyone has a different definition of cheating, and it’s on the partners themselves to establish what is and isn’t OK for them. These boundaries should be set up early in the relationship so there is no confusion. I personally believe that if you are texting an ex and your spouse is not aware of it; that is cheating.
Try and be honest from the beginning. If you care a flirty person; be upfront about that. If your partner is aware of your behavior they are more likely to come to terms with it.
When it comes to pornography. Both partners have to agree about boundaries. Maybe watching porn is ok but camming with a live person is not ok. Or watching porn together is ok but not alone.
How to deal with infidelity in a relationship
If you were the person who was cheated on: it’s important to not make any decisions too fast. You need time to process the information and decide how you want to move forward. It’s important to take things slowly. The feelings will come in waves. You will first be mad, upset and hurt.
If you are the cheater: It is imperative that you take responsibility and accountability for your actions. The pain that you have caused your partner may be immeasurable. There is a difference in the pain you will feel if you find out from your spouse rather than discovering it on your own. Can You Forgive a Spouse for Cheating?
Signs of cheating
- lying
- avoidance
- changes in communication
- won’t let you near his/her phone
- changes in your sex life
- they accuse you of cheating
- attitude changes
- increased interest in appearance
- spend more time away from home
Should you reconcile with a cheating partner
Infidelity doesn’t always mean a relationship is over, especially if your partner is truly remorseful. In fact, true remorse is a big indicator that there is hope for the relationship, especially if you have been together a long time and have children together. Both of you have to realize that the relationship may never be the same.
Questions to consider:
- Is this the first time your partner cheated on you?
- Was he/she remorseful?
- Did your spouse apologize?
- Have all ties with the affair partner been severed?
- Has your partner accepted responsibility for being unfaithful?
- Do you think your relationship is worth saving?
- Can you trust your spouse again?
- Do you think your partner’s unfaithfulness will forever haunt your mind and heart?
- Can you forgive your partner or will you hold the infidelity over their head?
Real Stories of Can You Forgive a Spouse for Cheating
Kate: “I found out my husband was texting his ex-girlfriend. After reading a text message I realized that they had been texting each other for awhile. I pulled our phone records and they had been talking for at least 18 months; but probably longer. They had been texting 3-4 times a week for hours at a time. I confronted my husband. He admitted to texting her but said it was innocent, that he did not cheat. He said they did discuss their past and that he was bored and just wanted someone to talk to. After a few months, I decided not to end my marriage over it. I told him he needed to stop talking to her. We also have children together. He was very apologetic and said he would never speak to her again. This was a year ago and I have forgiven him but still can’t forget it”.
Mary: ” I found out my husband was emailing his co-worker. I woke up one night and he was not in bed. I went to look for him and found him on his laptop. He had been emailing his female co-worker. This had been going on for months. I confronted the co-worker and she said that they have been emailing back and forth. I had a hard time getting over his betrayal. We went to counseling and that helped out a lot. We are still married and are expecting our 4th child”.
Marilinia: ” Some women with children ( I had 4) have no choice but stay (not necessarily forgive) it all depends on one’s financial situation. If I had the money to do it, I would have left my first husband after a couple of years of marriage. Believe me, they do not change.”
More real stories of Can You Forgive a Spouse for Cheating
Je: “The last guy who cheated on me I walked away and met my awesome hubby”
Lonnie: “If she cheats it’s over, no exceptions”
Monica: “I could give you 20 years of being a cheater. It destroys much more than the marriage”
Christina: ” My ex-husband cheated on me. He left and I found out through phone records. I tried to work things out and went to counseling weekly for several months. He only attended one session, but I kept going. Looking back, I know I did everything I could to make it work but I don’t think I could have trusted him.
Can You Forgive a Spouse for Cheating
What do you think? Could your forgive your spouse for cheating? Comment below!
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